By Siddharth, whose sister died in India in August 2020
1. I don't think I will ever feel whole again. I hope happiness comes to me and my family, but I don't think any event will make me feel complete. If there is something to be happy about, I will feel happy but the sadness will continue to be within me forever. I think every day I will continue to feel that life is very different without my sister. Birthdays, festivals and other special occasions will continue to come in life but none of them will ever be as fulfilling as they could have been if my sister was around. I will continue to feel a set of mixed emotions and an undercurrent of sadness will always be underneath my smile.
2. I feel like life and God have cheated on me. I never thought I would lose my sister before our parents. For some reason, I thought parents were supposed to die before their kids. I had also imagined what our life would look like when our parents won't be there. I don't know why I did that but yes I did imagine that. I used to believe that me and my sister will continue the journey of our life together after our parents. Never in my wildest dreams did I think of my life without my sister. I used to think that my sister and I will relive our old memories, old times, celebrate festivals, continue to get together at our family home and basically do everything to continue with life. Unfortunately, I have been left alone. As far as the journey of life with my sibling is concerned, I need to walk down that path all by myself which is very unfair to be honest. I am 30 years old and I hope I have a long life ahead of me. However, the thought of living that without my sister (and at some point without parents) in this world scares me.
3. I fear I will forget my sister. Every day I think about her, try to talk to her, visualize her, our times together, only to keep her alive with me. I want to continue to feel that my sister is still there somewhere. I am just not able to talk to her. I fear that as time goes by memories will fade and that I won't think about her. Some of our childhood memories are still very clear in my mind, while many are not. I have to see photos to be able to be able to recollect how things were 20 to 25 years ago. This is not the case with the memories in the last 5 years as I still have vivid images of those times in my mind. But I am scared if they will still be with me as time flies. I am scared because I can't create memories with her anymore. 30 years from now, I will be 60 and it would have been 30 years without my sister. I keep thinking how to keep her memories alive within me and how to ensure that she remains a part of my life. I don't want my sister to fade away. I want friends and family to remember her always. I don't want her to be forgotten with time and I will make sure it never happens.
4. It's very hard for people to understand your loss. People might feel sad for you once in a while but they may find it hard to understand what internally you are going through. Only the ones who are affected by it and try to live through it everyday truly know what it means to lose someone. People think it's an event that we have to move past as soon as possible to get life back on track but what they don't realize is that the life of the person who suffered the loss has completely changed. They have entered a new world where their loved one is no longer present with them or anywhere in this universe for that matter. The current world doesn't have my sister and that's a harsh reality of my life that I will have to accept. So while I still continue to live my life, do my office work, try to enjoy myself on weekends, look forward to vacation and family time, it doesn't mean I have moved past the grieving phase. Grieving for the loss of my sister has become a core part of my life and the grief will stay the same.
5. I have stopped believing in God. I used to visit temple every weekend for several years and never missed asking God to bless my sister with happiness, love, health and success. Always prayed for her and my brother-in-law as I did for our other family members. But this unfortunate event has changed my belief system completely. I am very grateful that I was blessed to have a sister like that. She was an incredible human being, full of life and we shared a great bond with each other despite living far away. I sincerely hope I get to meet her again and have her as my sibling again. I miss her so much.
About Siddharth Teotia
”My name is Siddharth. I live in US. I lost my sister Garima in August 2020. She lived in India with her husband Nishil. On the evening of Friday, August 14th (my birthday), I got a phone call from my parents that my sister is in ICU as she had suffered a seizure. I spoke to her and parents. She had recovered and came out of ICU. It was night for me and knowing that she is doing well, my wife and I went to bed only to be woken up to the news that my sister had passed away. My phone call with her 6 hours before that was my last conversation with her.
I saw her last time in Dec 2019 during my annual India trip to visit family. I was supposed to again at the end of 2020 but unfortunately ended up going in August as a result of this most unfortunate event in my life.
We grew up together in India and shared a great bond with each other. I am grateful to God I had a sister like her.”
