By Kate, whose boyfriend died from a brain tumour when she was 17
1. The world keeps turning
It still boggles my mind that this world keeps turning and life goes on without a person like Charlie in the world. It feels unnatural that the world moves on and things keep happening. How can the world keep turning when it feels so empty? I had to graduate and go to college, start my young adult life without my best friend. It feels more natural now but it never feels right to be living in a world without someone you love because it isn't right.
2. Moving on doesn't exist
We live in a society that tells us that we have to move on after someone dies. That we have to push them as far back in our heads as we can and pretend everything is okay. This isn't true. Moving forward is always a good thing and it's important to continue to live your life and be open to the new but you can always keep your person with you. You don't stop missing them and you can make that a part of your existence while still living a full and happy life.
3. You get weird faces when you talk about your loved one who has died
When I talk about Charlie I often get weird faces. People look at me with pity or nervous exchange glances. This hurts me. I want to be able to talk about Charlie in a way that is casual every now and again. If I hear something that reminds me of a funny story about Charlie I want to be able to share it with my friends. These glances really never stop; they just lessen with time as people become more accustomed to the fact you want to talk about someone you love who is dead.
4. You aren't allowed to say the word ‘dead’
People always say ‘passed on’ or ‘no longer with us’ which sugarcoats the cruel reality that someone you love has died. Charlie taught me to be blunt and accept that death is inevitable and that we shouldn't be afraid of it. We should be able to talk about life and death in a way that is blunt and realistic while still remaining hopeful. Life and death is the one thing we all have in common and there is no need to sugar coat it.
5. Dating after losing your partner is TRASH
Dating after losing your partner is awful. There is no other way to put it. It sucks on every level. I feel guilty for wanting a partner again even though I know that Charlie wants me to love and be loved. You would think people would be more gentle with your heart when they know you lost your last partner but they won't. Not in my experience. The little dating I've tried has been so insensitive and it's awful. It's so hard to find love again after you already had and lost the love of your life.
About Kate Ten Eyck
”My name is Kate, and when I was 17 I lost the love of my life and my best friend to a terminal brain tumor. Charlie and I had known each other since kindergarten but didn't become close until the summer before our Jr. year of high school. This was 1.5 years after he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor called DIPG. We connected over me bringing over my homemade fudge and started dating shortly after Charlie reached out to me saying how much he appreciated my genuine gesture.
Charlie was funny, kindhearted and thoughtful. He had a great love for nature, animals and hiking. He was also really into music and one told me that he wanted a ‘70s rock-themed funeral’. Charlie and I broke up a few months before his death as he wanted to protect me. This wasn't what I wanted but it was what he needed to process and we remained close until the very end. We had so much love for each other and had a connection like no other. Charlie lived long past his life expectancy of 9 months and died August 6th 2018 after battling his tumor for 2.5 years.”
You can watch Kate’s TEDx talk, read her book, and follow her on Instagram
