By Annabel Bower whose fourth child Miles was stillborn
People don't always know what to say. Perceived silver linings may be pointed out or nothing said at all. People are often terrified of mentioning your baby for fear of upsetting you, but the reality is that you are always thinking of your child so acknowledging them will not remind you, conversely it will bring comfort and show that others also remember and love your baby.
Baby loss is often misunderstood and its impact belittled with statements such as ‘at least it was early’, ‘it’s very common’, ‘you can have another one’ or ‘be thankful for the child(ren) you already have’. What people need to know is that each baby is a precious individual; future or existing children will never replace or make up for the one who has been lost.
The loss of a child goes against the natural order of life. It is an event in which grief and trauma collide as the death of your baby occurs within your own body. This is is incredibly confronting and heartbreaking both physically and emotionally. It is a loss which stays with you forever.
Men and women often grieve very differently after miscarriage and stillbirth. I felt like my world had stopped turning and found it hard to function, my husband was able to resume normal activities long before I could even contemplate them. We were just as devastated as each other but it looked very different on the outside.
What I miss most about Miles is all of the memories we will never get to make together. His first smile, first words, first day at school. We will never have the moments I dreamed of and hoped for. This lasts a life time as I will always wonder who he would have become and grown to look like. I will always feel like someone is missing from my family.
About Annabel Bower
Annabel is the proud mother of four children, three who are physically with her and one who lives on in her heart. Since losing Miles, Annabel has dedicated herself to raising awareness about the ongoing psychological impact of baby loss. She is determined to support women through this experience and help them feel less isolated. Her book ‘Miles Apart’ is a raw, honest account of life after the loss of a much wanted baby at any stage of pregnancy. She hopes it will bring great comfort to others and help them navigate grief and heartache after baby loss. ‘Miles Apart’ is due for publication in early 2020. Follow Annabel on Instagram.
