By Lucy Coleman Talbot whose estranged Grandma died in 2019
Lucy, as a baby, with her Grandma
Grief is unexpected, you might have not had this person in your life for years, they may have wanted nothing to do with you, you may not have liked them, they may have hurt or harmed you, but don't be surprised if grief hits you and holds you hard. Things you think had been resolved in your heart, and in your head might rise to the surface. Pain might feel shrouded by the fact that the possibility of reconciliation with that person can never come now.
There is this assumption (perhaps hope) that regardless of the complexities of relationships, people come together or reach out when someone dies... this is not always the case. You need to be prepared for rejection, not being informed of the death, or not being included in funeral plans, you may even be told you aren't welcome at the funeral.
The people around you (even close friends) might be dismissive of your grief and they may pass judgement on your situation; assuming that you aren't grieving or in pain because this person was no longer part of your life. This can leave you feeling isolated and it can be hard to know who to tell or trust.
You will find notions of ‘never let the sun go down on an argument’, ‘blood is thicker than water’ and ‘don't leave it too late to tell someone you love them’ incredibly hard to scroll past or hear. You will also realise a lot of grief guidance is not designed for the black sheep of the family.
You will need a ritual of your own, particularly if you aren't welcome at the funeral. Whatever you decide to do, it will fill you with a sense of empowerment and allow you an outlet that validates your feelings and experiences. You can honour yourself and all you have been through. It may be that there are parts of the person and the relationship you once had you wish to honour too.
About Lucy Coleman Talbot
Lucy is currently completing her PhD examining the Crossbones Graveyard in Southwark, London, where she also volunteers and advocates for its protection. In 2016, she wrote Little Book of Maudism, her love letter to Harold and Maude (1971). The book presents a philosophy to live and die by inspired by the film. In 2014, Lucy co-founded Death and the Maiden, an online platform that explored the relationship between women and death across cultures and through time. Follow Lucy on Twitter and Instagram.
