Tamsin’s mum, Lynne
I'm Tamsin, 26 and from Oxfordshire. I lost my mum, Lynne in August 2020. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in early 2018, and through sheer determination lived longer than anyone expected. My mum didn't want to die, and because of that she endured 30 rounds of intense chemo over 18 months. My mum was great. She was the life and soul of every party, and loved nothing more than being with her children, her family and her friends. She once told me that she had done everything she wanted in life, and now I'm making sure I can say the same when my time comes.
1. Nothing can prepare you for that moment when grief first hits you - I knew my mum was dying, we’d had a year and a half to get our heads round it. Then we got the news that she was past treatment, and the waiting game begun. After she died, I had a period of relief. The last few weeks of her life were tough. Covid restrictions meant the hospice plan she had went out the window as we wouldn’t be able to visit her. So, she stayed at home and we nursed her round the clock until her time came. The relief was intense, those sleepless nights and worries - how comfortable she was, was she hungry, could we do anything for her - were over and the trauma of that period could become a memory. But out of nowhere, the darkness appeared, and I had no idea how to cope.
2. Your closest people will step up - in extreme times, your true friends rise to the occasion. I am so lucky to have the most incredible people in my life. They were there for every step of my mum’s cancer journey, and still are. They knew her too; she was part of their lives - and I love nothing more than chatting about her with them.
3. Other people will disappear - and you know what? That’s fine. Initially, I was so hurt by the lack of communication from most of my family members and other people in my social circle. Some have never even acknowledged her death; others have dropped off the face of the earth since the funeral. But that’s on them. I’m at peace with their choices, and I know now more than ever, who truly counts.
4. I heard people talking about grief coming in ‘waves’ or ‘stages’ and was never really sure what that meant. But to use another cliche, it really is a rollercoaster. Try to enjoy the days where you feel like you’re able to tread water - and don't feel guilty for not being sad. It doesn’t mean you’re over it or you’ve forgotten about your person - just that in this moment, you can cope.
5. Everyone reacts differently. People will behave in ways you wouldn’t have imagined and express their grief in different ways. There isn’t a one-size-fits all to navigating your life after someone you love has died. However you feel is valid and perfectly normal. Focus on yourself, and support those around you when you’re strong enough to do so. You can’t save everyone when you need to be saved too.
You can follow Tamsin on Instagram, @tamsinoakey and read her blog - mymumdiedandimreallyfuckingsad.co.uk
