By Michaela McLean, whose mum died with ovarian cancer 20 years ago
It has been 20 years since my beautiful mother, Evelyn, died with ovarian cancer at the age of 46. Grief has been my constant and daily companion ever since; a bundle of love that I carry and a skill that I practise and hone faithfully. Now, as we reach the equal balance of our time of together and apart, I offer my reflections as a way to honour her and remember her as she continues to teach me about life, grief and love, even in her death.
1. Death changes everything
When someone we love dies, we and our lives will never be the same again – and this is rightfully so.
2. Time is a mystery
I’ve been hearing a popular saying at every turn lately: “The days are long but the years are short”. These 20 years since my mother’s death have somehow flashed by and I wonder how it could possibly be so. Those 7,305 days, however, have each brought with them moments of joy and too the steady ache of missing her still. Twenty years is both yesterday and a lifetime ago.
3. Knowing me, knowing you
So much of the grief I hold now is from the loss of shared moments and experiences along life’s road: the special mother-daughter occasions, the would-be memorable milestones celebrated together and of course, the normal, random Tuesday phone calls all along the way. I feel like I have changed so much in this half-of-a-lifetime and now I grieve the loss of her knowing me in who I am today at 40 and the loss of me knowing my mother, as herself, woman to woman.
4. The presence of her absence
In French we say “Tu me manques” when we tell someone we are missing them, which translated directly is to say “You are missing from me”. This sentiment has always resonated with me deeply, knowing that those we love are intrinsically part of us and that when they are not by our side the presence of their absence can be palpable. I miss my Mom; she is missing from me; and perhaps I from her too.
5. Unending connection & love
It is true, what my mother told me in her dying time: “Love never dies”. Through time and space, our love and connection endures always and even grows. I am grateful for the twenty years we shared together in this life and for the never-ending well of her love that still fills my heart as I continue and walk-on in this life, loving her, honouring her, remembering her and missing her every day.
About Michaela McLean
Michaela McLean, CT works to support individuals in end-of-life and caregiving families with a special interest and focus in holistic end-of-life care, community support in grief and bereavement and death education. She hosts and curates ‘Dying to Talk’, a Facebook page dedicated to fostering open conversation and learning around all things dying & death, grief & loss.
Michaela is currently based in Montréal, Canada where she is practising her French language skills and re-learning what it is to be Canadian after 15 years in bonnie Scotland. www.michaelamclean.com
