By Kelly, whose dad died by suicide in September 2020
On the 6th September 2020, my dad tragically took his own life. He was 55 years old. He was my best friend and so full of joy and happiness but we never knew what truly was going on inside his head.
Here are the Five Things I’ve learned since my dad died:
1. It is OK to be angry
I felt this overwhelming guilt because I was so angry. Anger is part of the grieving process and is a completely normal emotion to be feeling. I felt anger and resentment towards my dad for leaving me, I feel rejection, was I not a good enough reason to make him want to stay alive.
2. As much as you dig, your questions will always be unanswered
As hard as it is to get your head around, you will never truly know why and what they were thinking. My dad never left a note and it was so out of the blue. No one could have predicted the turn of events that happened that day and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. You ask yourself could there have been anything that I could have done differently? If only I'd asked him if he was OK? Would he have told me?
3. People immediately think you're fine once you've had the funeral
May I reiterate, WE ARE NOT OK. All the visitors you had in the first few days are gone and never to be heard from again. And suddenly they no longer care, they seem to think your life is back to normal. People who haven't lost someone who is close to them cannot comprehend how you are feeling until they experience it themselves.
4. Losing someone to suicide is different
No one can even comprehend what you are feeling, deaths to natural causes or old age do not come with all the questions and the doubt. I feel like I never truly knew my dad. The grief is different. It is only what I can describe as grief on steroids.
5. I'm never going to be the same person I was
I had never suffered from any mental health problems until this happened. It has changed me for life. I suffer with extremely bad anxiety now and panic attacks. It has changed me as a person, I have no trust in anyone close to me as I'm afraid they will do the same. I don’t think I will ever get my head around the fact I will never truly know his reasons, and that I will never see him again. The day that he died, a part of me died too.
I urge anyone who is having suicidal thoughts to please speak out - your family and friends would rather listen than attend your funeral. My dad never chose to speak out and it has completely destroyed our lives. I just wish he could see the devastation he has left behind and how much he was loved.
It’s ok to not be ok.
Please see the Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide website for support.
