By Amber Flounders, who has written a book about grief after the death of her mum
Finding joy was the hardest thing after losing my mum, Joy. In essence, I had ‘lost’ joy physically and also metaphorically. Except joy was not lost... I knew that she had gone. Or had she? After months of sadness and a very dull life, I went on a mission to find joy, in whatever form that was. Sometimes joy was an early night in with a book, other times it was climbing a mountain, literally. I learned that finding joy in ordinary day to day life is what got me through some of the hardest times. We say sorry for your ‘loss’ when a loved one dies... But are they really lost? When I lost joy, I found joy...when I least expected it.
2. Once I found joy I started to work on choosing joy. That meant choosing happiness, whether it be delaying washing the dishes, or choosing a new job role. I made sure that I brought more joy into my life. I surrounded myself with people who made me happy and chose to spend less time with those that brought me down. Choosing joy gave me that control back in my life. I was choosing joy for me in an act of self-care.
3. I found quickly that sharing joy with others, teaching people to find their joy was what really enhanced my grieving recovery. Sharing moments of happiness or giving joy to others gave me back my sense of purpose. In three lessons I went from feeling lost to feeling found, feeling out of control to very much in control and having no purpose in life to having a role in society to teach and educate others.
4. Comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison, especially through grief, is damaging. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve for your mum. I needed to grieve openly and publicly because I had an undeniable urge to support others going through the same thing. Whilst others may be far more private. There is no right or wrong way, and the way you grieve does not define or deny your love for that person. By comparing yourself to others, your joy will soon become lost again.
5. A flower blossoms for its own joy. Learning what my own joy is was the biggest lesson I learned from losing my mum. I quickly learned that my life was centered on making my mum proud of my achievements and not actually listening to what gave me joy. The truth is I didn't know what gave me joy... But I tried to do many new things trying to find it. I went through craft books, sports, music, fashion, photography and anything to try and find what brought me joy into life. This is a journey... yet to be continued. Keep finding your joy in your journey..
About Amber Flounders
”My name is Amber and I am a 25 year old nurse who unexpectedly lost 2 very important people to me within four days of each other. As a nurse, I studied grief, trauma, shock and family experiences of death in great detail but it wasn't until I went through the process myself that I truly learnt what trauma is. Through my grieving process, I wrote a book called the Journal of joy: a good guide to grief. It was in remembrance of my mum called Joy (hence the joy theme). However, it was the name Joy that left me wondering when I will find that feeling of joy again. I set up the Find Joy 2020 campaign on Facebook, a safe place where people can connect to re-gain and re-find their joy after trauma. We now have a very joyful community.”
You can buy Amber’s book on Amazon.
