By Hannah May, whose dad died from cancer
Some friends will hype - they will show up for the funeral, organise a group gift, and text you endlessly for a week straight - and then they will lose their patience for what you are going through (two months on from losing my dad, one hyper told me I had become ’too emotionally exhausting’ for her - it was crushing). Other friends will rally - quietly, slowly, genuinely. Those are the friends that will be there for the anniversaries, the milestones, and all the small trigger moments in-between. Surround yourself with the latter.
It is okay for friendships and relationships to change, or to be lost entirely. When my dad died I felt like my identity and sense of self shifted overnight - I didn’t feel like the same person, and I didn’t want others to expect the same of me. Figuring out how this ‘new me’ fit into my existing friendships was hard, and not all of them survived.
It is not your job to carry the weight of other peoples discomfort or expectations. It is exhausting and draining having conversations with people who make your trauma feel small (inadvertently or deliberately). If they can’t sit with the discomfort to have a conversation, they’re never going to understand what the discomfort feels like to carry each day. It is not up to you to teach them - your energy is better spent other ways right now.
New and meaningful friendships can be built from the most heartbreaking of circumstances. At my dad’s funeral I met two of his friends and their children for the first time, and they have become like family to me. Grief has also given me The Grief Network team, a bunch of beautiful friends that just get it and who are up for a raw and real conversation about death, loss and grief at any hour.
The friendship, companionship or relationship you had with the person you lost hasn’t gone anywhere - it just can’t continue or evolve. My dad’s taste in music, sense of humour and thirst for the seaside haven’t changed, and though I miss all those things with an unbearable sadness, I can also use those things to bring him back to me when I need to.
About Hannah May
Hannah lost her dad four years ago to an aggressive, rapid cancer. She is a passionate advocate for normalising dialogue about death and loss and is part of the team behind The Grief Network, a community for bereaved young people based in London.
