By Caroline Lloyd
who is completing a PhD in bereavement
You don’t get over it. When we love someone we form bonds with them, when that person dies those bonds and that love still exists; how can you possibly expect someone to ‘get over’ their love?
It’s better to say something than nothing. Sometimes people say things that we don’t want to hear but I’d rather hear something insensitive and have a conversation about it so that I can educate them, than have people avoid me. Just simply say ‘I don’t know what to say’ if that is your truth.
Personality affects grieving style. I wish I had known, many times over, that my way is the ‘normal’ way for me. Because it doesn’t conform to your expectations, does not mean I’m doing it ‘wrong’.
You can’t ‘fix’ it. Grief is normal - let me get on with it in my own way, in my own time and just be there for me.
Treat grievers like plants - food, water, plenty of care, love and patience. On the surface this may sound flippant but its grounded in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We need our basic needs met and when bereaved we can sometimes neglect them. Additionally, care and patience can run thin after a while but we may still need it, even at unexpected times years later.
About Caroline Lloyd
Caroline Lloyd is completing a PhD in bereavement at Trinity College, Dublin, is author of Grief Demystified, is co-creator of the Lloyd & Mc Guckin Multidimensional Theory of Bereavement to be published in the 60th Anniversary special edition of the Cruse Bereavement Care Journal this year, has 30 years voluntary experience, and too many personal bereavements to mention.
