By Emma Ashru Jones, who experienced anticipatory grief when her mum was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour
Anticipatory grief is the feeling of deep grief that can happen before an impending loss. You can feel anticipatory grief when someone you love is dying. You can feel it for an imagined future, that will no longer come to pass. You can also feel it for a lost way of life. This time of Covid-19 has led to a collective loss of normalcy and grief is in the air. Here are a few small things that I turned to when I experienced anticipatory grief, when my beloved mum had a stage 4 brain tumour.
Allow yourself to feel it: it has a name and is just as real and natural as the final grief of loss. You don’t have to always find silver linings. Let yourself feel it fully.
Be exceedingly gentle with yourself. Anticipatory grief is slow and ever-changing like the wind. Some days you might feel totally blown over by its force. Others it will be a breeze that gently grazes your cheek.
Come home to your body. Grief can be depleting; your whole being is adapting to a new reality. Soothe your soul with nourishing food, warm baths, deep breaths. As my favourite poet Mary Oliver says, ‘let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.’
Practise in the present. When you are overcome with despair over what the future may hold, try to notice what is here. I remember sitting in the garden with my mum in her final days eating fresh mango, knowing we might never get to do it again. Even through the tears, we savoured the sweetness.
Trust that although the future may not be as you once imagined, it will be possible for sorrow and joy to co-exist, like two wings of a bird.
Emma Ashru Jones
Emma is a coach and writer living in South London.
You can follow her on Instagram, @emma_ashru
www.emmaashrujones.com
