By Samantha Calley, whose dad died from an aggressive brain tumour just after she’d become a mum
1. Time heals is the worst thing you can say to someone who has lost a loved one. It doesn’t heal, it just means that you start to create a life which doesn’t have that person in it. I still get gut wrenching emotions in the supermarket and significant life events will always just feel different as Dad is not there. Be kind, be tolerant and if you haven’t experienced it, respect that everyone grieves differently.
2. You will never be the same again, it’s like the world tilts on its axis slightly and so many things look and feel different. It’s familiar, yet strange, comfortable, yet uncomfortable, warm and yet so cold. It takes time for that adjustment and you will see things differently - I’m less stressed about the stuff that doesn’t matter, I am more tolerant of people’s behaviour as I feel sorry for them.
3. Friends and family will do truly amazing things for you and you will be disgusted with the behaviour of others. One family member sent us a box of M&S food and I have never been so grateful to have a hot meal when that felt like the hardest thing in the world to conjure up. Others didn’t even visit my dad in the hospice or even show up to his funeral. For a man who spent his whole life giving generously to others, it made my heart break that they couldn’t even help us to say goodbye. It says more about them than you and I’ve learned that you will not waste your time on crappy people.
4. Which leads me on to point four, think of the good times, it’s taken me a long time to focus on the positives - I had an amazing Dad for 36yrs of my life, he met his grandson, he gave me so many opportunities because of his hard work and love. I am truly, truly grateful for having him in my life and I work hard to carry on his legacy and for him to be proud of me. I don’t always get it right but it’s important to remember the good and there is so much of it.
5. Please, please talk to me about my dad. It will make me sad, I’ll likely cry, but I will be so happy someone asked me to share a memory or speak about him. The hardest thing is that I want to speak about him but I see the fear in people’s eyes when I mention him, the uncomfortableness, the sadness. I want to talk about him because I still love him, he will always be my Dad. It’s so important when I have things in my life going on as it’s always there in the background. He would have been the voice of reason in these strange covid times and I miss that.
About Samantha Calley
Samantha’s dad died from an aggressive brain tumour in 2018 when she had just become a mum for the first time. She believes we need to talk more about death as it will happen to us all.
You can follow Samantha on Instagram, @thebuckmeister
