By Charlie Chalk, whose dad died when she was 22
1. It doesn’t sink in for a while
Initially you might not feel anything. It may even seem like you are stuck in a dream, and everything that is going on isn’t really happening. I definitely went through the first month, if not the first year on autopilot. I felt like the first year of my life without my dad was all in slow motion. Eventually everything does catch up with you and you start to feel less numb.
It’s particularly hard when you lose a parent because initially you just can’t face the prospect of living your life without them, and the only way for some people to cope is to pretend like it’s not really happening. Confronting and accepting that the pain is there is scary, but you need to do it to start the nightmare of a process.
2. You don’t have to be strong all the time
When my dad passed, I tried so hard to be strong. For my mum, my boyfriend and for everyone that showed up at my door. I wanted to show everybody how resilient and tough I was. But just remember you can only put on an act for so long. Pushing the pain below the surface so no one can see it is exhausting. It’s OK to lose your composure, to have an outburst of emotion in public or privately at home or to completely fall apart. We take a lot of strength from our parents, so when you lose one of them, it’s crushing.
3. You will probably feel guilty in some way, but you need to let it go
I’ve gone through the day my dad died a thousand times and thought about what I could have done differently. I wasn’t at home the last night he was alive. This kills me. But I can’t change it. I know if my dad was around now he wouldn’t hold it against me.
I’ve also gone back and punished myself mentally for all the times that I wasn’t the perfect daughter, or when I was mean to my dad and I used to gang up on him occasionally, because he was the only man in the house, but that’s nothing unusual and he took it in his stride. It’s not a reason for me to feel bad, because he knew exactly how much I loved him.
This isn’t helpful at all, and you are just being unnecessarily cruel to yourself. Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do or times where you messed up, remember the times you made your parent proud or happy.
4. How hard it is when you are unexpectedly reminded of your loss
Sometimes, you will be doing OK and managing your grief and being as positive as you can, when something catches you off guard. And then suddenly a surge of powerful emotion hits you like a tidal wave. For me I think the most challenging times have been when something has reminded me of my dad. When I watch a film and someone’s dad dies, or when a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him, or most recently, when I was at a wedding and the bride danced with her dad for the father daughter dance. Ouch. That hurts, especially because I know I’ll never get that. But these moments, even though they are hard, sometimes they are the perfect way to let go of some of that emotion you’ve tried so hard to keep from bursting, and after you’ve had a little cry, you feel a little bit better.
5. How you eventually come to view your grief with love and appreciation
I’m not going to lie, like I mentioned, at times, the pain is just as raw as it’s ever been. But generally, I’ve entered a new stage of my grief. When I’m reminded of my dad, I use it as an opportunity to cherish his memory, and to dedicate a minute or two of my day to him, and someday, even if it doesn’t feel like it, you will be able to do the same. Now I live every day and my dad is there no matter what I’m doing, and I’m grateful he touched my life in such a powerful and beautiful way. He was my best friend.
About Charlie Chalk
"My name is Charlie Chalk and I lost my dad (my best friend) to a sudden heart attack on April 14th last year. A piece of me died that day too.
I thought I knew what grief was, isn’t it that sad period of time after you lose someone? Then it all disappears? No, no it’s not. I was so naive and wrong. Grief is now my new best friend and walks by my side everyday, some days we got on well and we learn things from one another, other days we fight and cry a lot but most of all we take it day by day. In honour of my wonderful Dad I promised myself I would be the Charlie Chalk he loved, I wouldn’t let grief change me nor would it define me. I try to keep to that promise to the best I can everyday. I won’t lie, it has changed me but in some ways it’s changed me for the best. I’m stronger than I was before and more so now than before, I know I am my father’s daughter and his legacy will live on in me. Cheers to you, Dad.”
You can follow Charlie on Instagram, @charliechalkk
