By Flora Baker, whose parents both died when she was in her twenties
Every experience of grief is different. When I discovered my dad was going to die, I kept thinking, "I know what's coming," because I'd already been through it once with Mum's death nine years earlier. But the grief of losing him was very different to how I felt after Mum died. I was angry instead of numb, and fully overtaken by the feelings instead of desperately avoiding them. Every relationship you have is unique, so it follows that the grief is too.
Grief isn't a linear process, so people are often confused about how to 'recover' from it. If you feel OK for months and then suddenly find yourself overwhelmed, it's just because grief moves in waves. There are good days, and bad days, and then good days again.
Loneliness and isolation are the aspects of grief nobody tells you about. Feeling unable to explain the magnitude of emotion inside you tends to lead to muteness, particularly alongside the deep understanding that no one can actually help. That's why speaking to people who've had the same losses as you is really therapeutic. It gives you a sense of belonging and makes you feel understood.
Write down all the details you remember. After Mum's death I was terrified I'd forget the way her voice sounded and the particular words she used, so when Dad died I immediately started writing: our in-jokes, his pet phrases, any details I could think of. Now whenever a new one occurs to me I jot it down – for both my parents.
Bringing those you've lost back into your life is a choice you're absolutely allowed to make – and it can make all the difference. I speak to my parents out loud almost every day, and sometimes it really feels like they're still with me. In fact, I probably hear them and think about them more than I ever did when they were alive.
About Flora Baker
Flora was 20 years old when she lost her mum suddenly to breast cancer, and 29 when her dad died from idiopathic fibrosis. She is the author of The Adult Orphan Club, a memoir and guidebook for navigating grief.
She runs the website Flora The Explorer, and you can find her on Twitter and Instagram.
#TheAdultOrphanClub
