By Meg Richards
During our time together, my brain would always take me to places that would picture what it would feel like to be without her, to prematurely prepare for the inevitable. Those imagined thoughts felt painful, terrifying and lonely. But they were could never have prepared me for what reality of my grief at losing my best friend and my shadow of the past 11 years. The pre-emptive anxieties were like nothing I could have imagined. My loss is dark, cold and deeply sad. It is angry and resentful. It feels guilty. It is a void. A terrified scramble to the surface of the water to catch my breath before I’m dragged under again. And worst of all? Its waxing and waning is my new forever.
There is a deep lack of understanding of, and therefore a lack of compassion towards, the bond between a pet and their owner. Grief for your dog is “supposed” to be fleeting. After all, it’s “just a dog” The cure? Get another one. I can’t do that. I won’t do that. Because she was so much more to me. My best friend, my soul mate, my reason to get up in the morning, my bravery. Because really, Millie owned me. I was as much hers as she was mine, if not more. She was more my soul than I am. And I will never stop missing her, not certainly because she had four legs instead of two.
She owed me nothing, I owe her everything. She taught me all of the best things about myself - to be gentle, kind, patient, to love the outdoors, to slow down, to be less anxious, that I was loveable. She never left my side after my three surgeries and months in bed. She made me laugh when I could never imagine laughing again. To say she saved my life would be nothing short of an understatement. She was there when my mind was in the darkest of places. She gave me a reason to carry on and I hope she knew that she was my everything. I will forever be reminded of all I owe to her on days when carrying on seems too much.
Despite the pain, I would do it all over again. Without a shadow of a doubt. They say you cannot experience love without loss or pain, and her love and our memories for those 11 years is worth every single dark day, nightmare, outburst of hysterical tears, and painful flashback. To have had her at all was my biggest blessing.
Our connection means I still see her, in everything I do and everywhere I go. Our connection told me something was coming in the weeks before her death, an invisible force meaning I kept her even closer than normal. Those final days were just us and I will forever be grateful. But even now, she’s everywhere - white feathers in her favourite place, gorgeous robins that come to visit, that overwhelming feeling that she is near. And in that, there is so much comfort. How can two souls be so intertwined and then be separated? The simple answer, they can’t and they won’t. Ever.
About Meg Richards
Meg is a Registered Veterinary Nurse and trainee Canine Hydrotherapist from Cornwall, UK. She documents her travels around her home county on her Instagram, @spaniel.adventures.
www.cornishspanieladventures.wordpress.com
