By Annalise Lumley, whose dad died whilst travelling around Europe on a motorbike
1. Nothing in the world can prepare you for this
When the police officer knocked on my mum’s door to tell me that my dad had been killed I literally fell to the floor. Like actually fell to the floor screaming and sobbing, something which I only thought happened in the movies. In that moment I physically felt my whole world crumble from underneath me. The words and calls and everything else that followed was just a blur. I walked around dazed. Screaming between vomiting. Listening to songs that reminded me of Dad. Anything I could to bring him home to me that day. Dad was my superhero, my advisor, my protector. We get told that superheroes can’t die. So I was never prepared for my superhero to die.
2. There will be a fundamental shift in your relationships
Nothing will test your relationships more than losing someone you care so deeply for. People who have not felt that kind of immeasurable loss just simply cannot comprehend what you are going through. That will scare most people, and they may be there at the beginning but after a while it will fade, and that’s ok. I learned that you don’t just grieve your loved one when they die, but you also grieve lost friendships. HOWEVER, some people who you least expect will come through for you in the best of ways. One of my best friendships came as a result of joint grief (I hope you see this and know how much you helped me). Reach out to fellow grievers, it’s ok to be ‘Debbie downers’ together.
3. People say shitty things because they don’t know what else to say
Following on from my previous point about people not being able to understand until they have lost somebody, this also has an impact on what they say to you to try and ‘fix’ the grief (LOL - we all know now that our grief can not be “fixed”). Things like “your dad wouldn’t want you to be sad”, instead of replying “well yeah and he also wouldn’t want to be *insert expletives* dead!” or “You have your baby to think about and keep you going” (what even is that?!). Just smile and appreciate that they are spending their time trying to make your pain a little less. Even if it’s not helping at all. Remember they don’t know so they don’t understand, but if you haven’t got the energy to entertain that, that’s ok too.
4. You really do get stronger and learn to carry the weight, I promise
In the initial aftermath of my dad dying, I remember just saying to my husband repeatedly, “I’m never going to be happy again” and from the deepest crevasses of my soul, I truly believed that. He wasn’t just my dad, I saw him every day, we walked our dogs together, quizzed together. BBQd together and all that had gone away. He was also going to be a grandad and I’d planned so many things in my head that we were going to all do together (the usual Disney etc) that I felt had just been stolen from me. But now nearly a year later, I do feel happy. I think I maybe even feel happier more than I feel sad however, with that I also feel guilty, BUT this is where I become a hypocrite because when I do feel guilty I remember that Dad really wouldn’t want me to be sad. He would want me to enjoy every minute of my new family.
5. Losing a loved one is like losing a limb
To finish, I’m stealing this analogy from my step mum because I just think it sums up my experience perfectly. Imagine a limb has been ripped from you, your arm maybe. At first it hurts like hell, the nerves are damaged, it’s bloody, and it looks so ugly that you can’t even face it. So you don’t.
Over time, the wound where your arm once was starts to heal, you’ve managed to clean off the blood that was there so now it just looks sore.
A little bit later, it heals some more and you’re kind of just left with this nasty scar and a missing arm. A reminder that something that was such a big part of you is no longer there. But you can function. And you can get through this. I promise.
About Annalise Lumley
“My name is Annalise Lumley and my dad was killed on the 22nd September 2019 when I was 4 months pregnant with his first grandchild. He had been travelling around Europe on his motorbike with a friend and as he was travelling home through Kent was hit by a lorry. The driver of the lorry has since been convicted of causing death by careless driving. He died instantly but also traumatically. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my dad, I miss him terribly each and every day. But he will live on in the legacy he’s left behind. I hope my #FiveThings bring others some solace as other people’s #FiveThings have brought me.”
You can follow Annalise on Instagram, @annaliselumley
