It’s been 15 months and the pain is still just as unbearable as the first month. The pain never goes away, your life just adjusts around the pain.
IT IS OK to cry, be angry, laugh, be sick, be confused, be in denial and even not feel anything. There is no handbook to grief and there is no handbook to losing a parent (especially at a young age) - whatever you feel, just go with it.
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME... and why should you?! You have gone through a huge traumatic experience and of course, that’s going to change who you are. I lost my mum and days later I made drastic decisions because I realised I wasn’t happy with my life and life’s too short to be unhappy. I ended a relationship, moved out of my house, put everything I owned in storage, and went on a journey to buy my own house.
There are days that you will be fine and days that you won’t be. And that’s ok. That’s exactly how I feel. I find that my grief comes in waves... and there’s a great quote (in fact my most relatable quote that I often refer back to).
I talk about my mum so much, because she still impacts my life. She raised me for 24 years, so why shouldn’t I talk about her. As I’m getting older I find myself doing/saying things that she would, I find myself laughing like she would, I can definitely see my mum in me and I love that - love love love. She was and is my hero and everything I aspire to be. She went through some shit and she always got through it, so, so can I.
I love it when my friends mention my mum, please don’t feel awkward to talk about her. I don’t. I love it. She is a huge part of me and I want to talk about her.
There are days when I am in complete shock and denial and it’s daunting. It’s those days that just make you want to crawl in bed and not face the world. These are very grounding days for me. They knock all of the energy out of me - but then a new day comes.
Even though my mum was terminally ill, it did not prepare me for her passing. You know it’s inevitable but I still wasn’t prepared for the truth.
Towards the end I wanted it to hurry up. I hated the end. I didn’t want my mum to suffer anymore, I wanted her to go peacefully. I felt and still do feel a guilty feeling like this - it makes me feel like a murderer but I just didn’t want her to suffer anymore.
Whatever you are going through, whether it’s grief, a breakup, redundancy, mental health...anything. If you just keep going, you will get through it. It’s hard, it’s easy, it’s messy, but it happens and it happens to everyone.
Keep going. x
