By Emily Woolford, whose daughter was diagnosed with congenital heart defects at her 20 week scan
1. There’s no point wasting time on ‘why me?’
Finding out our daughter had heart defects was a shock but it allowed us to focus on all of the things we were lucky to have in our lives that meant we could face the challenging weeks and months ahead. Friends and family may have wanted a reason for why it had happened but it was random. Why anyone?
2. We spent the entire pregnancy asking hypothetical questions
What if it had been another sonographer working that day and they hadn’t noticed her heart? What if we took her home after she was born? The ‘what ifs’ also continued after her death. I think they are an important part of processing what happened but the unanswered questions don’t bring me any comfort. They just make me angry.
3. I spent time stuck between not wanting her to be born and wanting her to be born
Whilst Etta was inside me she was perfectly healthy but she would become critically ill once born. The week I was due to be induced was torture while waiting for a NICU bed to become available. I wanted to keep her safe inside me forever whilst simultaneously just wanting to meet her and start the journey to her recovery.
4. I tried to control everything else because I couldn’t control the one thing I wanted
I wrote lists and lists of activities for my older son to do while we would be in hospital with his little sister. I wrote a birth plan and practised hypnobirthing so I could try and recover from the birth as quickly as possible. I needed my baby’s heart to grow while inside me and the doctors to fix her when she was born and I couldn’t control that.
5. Every moment is precious
Etta lived for longer inside me than out. I now appreciate the memories of being pregnant with her as much as the ones by her hospital bed. They all count. Because of her, every time I see a pregnant mother or a mother with a baby I wonder what their story is. She’s opened up my eyes to how fragile creating and sustaining life can be.
About Emily Woolford
Emily is a mother of two. Her younger child Etta was diagnosed with congenital heart defects at her 20 week scan. Once born, Etta was given her first open heart surgery at 10 days old. However, she suffered a cardiac arrest a week after her surgery and was put on life support. After several more surgeries to try and save her, the decision was made to stop her life support at 4 weeks old.
Emily blogs about her experience of life after loss at www.betterforetta.com. You you can follow her on Instagram, @betterforetta.
