My name is Emily and I lost my father in November 2018 to cancer when I was 21 and graduating college in 23 days, and lost my mother in October 2020 to possible suicide or unknown causes. My mom suffered from years and years of mental health issues, and so it was mainly me and my dad in my teen years. After losing my dad, I started pursuing my masters in clinical social work and am now working in bereavement care.
As a young adult without parents, I am learning so much about having to grow up with grief. No matter the loss and how close you were or weren't, your grief is valid and deserves space to be felt.
The guilt is real. There are so many scenarios you may replay in your head that you wish went differently. You may wish you weren't such a brat when you were 17, that you didn't skip family dinner, that you should have called home more. The truth is that all these would have made no difference, and you most likely would still be here feeling guilty and wondering. While we can't go back and change time, we can ensure that we love and connect moving forward with those still with us. In this way, we carry our love for those we have lost with us and use it to guide us as we move through the rest of our life.
After a loss, people idolize them. Even I am guilty of this, but the truth is that they were human. They made mistakes, maybe did questionable things, were not always nice, etc. It's important to remember these times too. Yes, we want to remember the good times, but remembering they were human can help keep us grounded in the grief. It almost helps to know that your dad made the same dumb mistake when he was in college.
People do not need to understand. As someone who is so young who has lost both parents by 23, the isolating feeling that none of my peers understand what I'm going through can be so intense. But what I've started to learn is that they do not need to understand. Those around you need to be able to show up. Be able to sit with you in your grief and let you cry. Get your mail, bring you groceries, help clean your house - whatever it may look like for you.
Your identity changes. So many people around you are springing into their young adult years with parents and siblings and friends, and you on the other hand are grappling this identity change of "who am I without my parents? Who am I if not so and so's daughter/son?". It is such a hard thing to navigate, but the reality is that you will always be someone's daughter or son.
The people you surround yourself with are everything. As a young adult just starting out in the world, there are so many questions I can't ask my own parents or advice I can't seek out. Surrounding yourself with people who love and support you is everything. Family does not need to be blood-related. Surround yourself with people who you can call up to ask about your car troubles or tell them good news. They can never replace your parents, but they can love and support you just as they did.
Find me at @griefbyemily on Instagram.
