By Rachel, whose son Josh was stillborn in 2008
Being told your baby has died but that you still need to give birth and arrange a funeral is like being told you’ve been jilted at the altar, but you still have to choose your flowers, dress up and go through the entire ceremony, but the other person won’t be there. The event isn’t cancelled – it just becomes your worst nightmare.
Stillbirth is a hugely traumatic experience. A 2018 study found that 40% of women will experience full-blown Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 30% meet the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). Yet these traumatic experiences tend to fall under the radar, and support and help is not always available. It can be a very lonely grief.
People seem to think you were pregnant and then you just weren’t. Consider the fact that we also went through a labour and birthing experience. Please include us in conversations about pregnancy, cravings, and so on, as we often want to talk about our pregnancies as much as you do. And if we do, be cool. Don’t make it weird.
Families that already had, or go on to have another child/children are not magically healed by this. They will still miss and think about the one that isn’t here. Please don’t ever say “At least you’ve got...” Or “You need to get pregnant again.” It doesn’t work like that. If someone was widowed, you would not be telling them to remarry and then they’d feel better. Also, which of your children would you be without? Would anyone say to you “It’s ok, you’ve got another one there”? No. Just no.
It’s very comforting when family and friends remember your child’s birthday and angel day, and sometimes mention their name. It’s fine to talk about them in normal conversation, too; say something like “Oh, that Christmas was when you were pregnant with Josh.” It’s a balm to us to know that our child is remembered.
The data from point #2 is from the 2018 study at Hadassah University Hospital Jerusalem, conducted by D. Horesh, M. Nukrian & Y Bialik.
About Rachel Bass
Rachel is married with a 19 year old son, born in 2002, who has autism and additional needs.
Rachel and her husband struggled with secondary infertility. They went through ten years of Fertility Treatments and also suffered miscarriages as well as their stillbirth with Joshua in 2008. After their second miscarriage following Joshua’s birth, they hit the wall and decided to stop trying. Joshua was not just their son; he was a brother, grandson, nephew and cousin. Rachel works as a Celebrant in Essex..
