By Rhianna, who became an orphan at the age of 13
Every loss is different. I lost my dad to suicide and my mum to an unexpected brain hemorrhage. Each loss comes with their own complicated emotions that you have to navigate your way through. I felt vastly different emotions with suicide loss than I did with any other loss I’ve been through. Everybody grieves differently.
I will never stop experiencing new things without them for the first time. Big and small. A new purchase I know they’d like. A new flavour of tea my mum would’ve loved. Me and my boyfriend recently bought our first home and I wish more than anything they could be here to witness it, it was so bittersweet.
Grief hurts. It physically hurts. Your chest physically aches with how much you miss them and you cry so much it leaves you with no voice. Grief is like a backpack filled with cement that you can’t take off - it’s heavy and it weighs you down. Some days you’re sure you can feel your heart actually breaking but it’s okay to let it all out.
Do not feel guilty for being happy. You’re allowed to smile and laugh and enjoy life with those around you. It’s so easy to beat yourself up for having fun without those you’ve lost. But it’s okay to make happy memories, they aren’t replacing those you made with the people who are no longer here. Those memories will always be there.
Grieving does not make you a burden. I quite often feel like I’m burdening those around me with my grief and my feelings. I’m slowly realising that it’s healthy to talk and that those who love you will always support you.
About Rhianna Ward
”Hi, I’m Rhianna, I’m 24 and from Plymouth in the UK. When I was 12, my dad took his own life after a long battle with various mental illnesses. A year later when I was 13, my mum died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage. She saw me off to school at 8 am with a kiss on the head and told me she loved me, by 11 am she was gone. My brother, who was 21 at the time, became my legal guardian. It took me a long time to start dealing with my grief. My brain shut away so much in order to just survive and over the last couple of years I’ve come to terms with so much and the journey has honestly only just begun. I’m trying to navigate my way through adult life without my parents, cope with my own mental illness, but also help those that are going through loss themselves.”
You can follow Rhianna on Instagram, @griefandotherthings
