The stigma of addiction is real. In the raw and painful early months after her death I found it impossibly hard to talk openly about what happened for fear of judgment. I felt fiercely protective of her and didn’t want people who didn’t know the full story to think badly of her. She had been an incredible mother for 30 years before she succumbed to alcohol.
Addiction can affect anyone. My mum was popular, glamorous and had a privileged life. From the outside she appeared to want for nothing. Once the addiction had its full grip no amount of money, rehab or therapy could help her. We tried everything to get through to her, begging her to stop but she was impossible to reach.
For me, her addiction was like watching a car crash happen in slow motion. Over the course of six years we watched helplessly as my beautiful mama slowly lost her looks, personality, health and eventually her life to alcoholism. We could see what was happening and how it would all end but after exhausting all possibilities ultimately felt powerless to stop the wheels in motion.
Grief after an addict’s death is complex. Crippling sadness combined with anger - how could she do this to herself and how could she do it to us? Feeling haunted by the trauma of multiple alcoholic hospitalizations and her harrowing death - together with utter guilt and regret about how we dealt with events and how I still feel I should have done things differently.
Anniversaries never loose their importance. Her birthday and the anniversary of her death are always heavy and loaded with emotion. Reflecting on what has happened to our family and my beautiful mum still physically takes my breath away sometimes. The loss of such a vibrant person, full of life to such a cruel, debilitating disease has changed our lives forever. Even four years on its still hard to believe what happened.

Five Things I’ve learned since my beloved mother died from alcoholism, by Kate.

About Kate
Kate lost her mum Jenny to alcoholism in May 2017. At the time of her death, Jenny had relapsed for the third time.
You can find support and guidance for those bereaved by addiction, here.

Five Things is a collection of the five things our collaborators want you to know about life, death and everything in between. Over the next few months, we’ll be covering illness, dying, death, funerals, grief, heartache, adversity and many other topics. If you’d like to write your own Five Things, please get in touch.