1. It’s difficult to stop feeling guilty. My boyfriend had been in Ohio for rehab for almost six months. Our communication would waver because I thought the best thing for his recovery would be to focus on his recovery not with fixing our relationship. I told him he could live with me when he felt he was ready to leave. And he ghosted me then out of the blue asked for my address. I told him no and he flew into a rage leading to a large argument. He had been drinking again two weeks leading to his death. He texted me late the night he died a funny memory. He was found dead in a hotel room the next morning and I blame myself every day.
2. It’s okay to be angry, I am angry with a lot of people since his passing. His family for how they treated him, me, for letting him drink alcohol as if he wasn’t a recovering drug addict already. For not letting me attend the funeral, but letting friends that hadn’t spoken to him in years attend. The anger is the worst part about it even though it’s a normal response especially when people tell you that you don’t have a right because you’re not blood, or didn’t grow up with him.
3. Trying to move on and date is agonizing. I don’t even want to look at or touch another guy. And when the thought crosses my mind I feel guilty, when I try I am turned off even repulsed by guys I like. No one is ever going to be able to replace him, we were going to get married and start a life together when he got better.
4. There’s no word for a person who lost their significant other until they are married. And even then people still trivialize losing a partner. I’m so sick of hearing what everyone including family and friends say: “You can find someone else, he was my only son”; “If he was a good person he would want you to move on”; “At least you weren’t married.” Losing the love of your life is a different type of pain. My sister passed only a couple months prior and I can say the pain is much different and in my case much more significant.
5. No one really cares, the world continues to turn and move and people can’t emotionally empathize especially if they haven’t lost anyone in that way yet, many people will avoid you, or cut you off completely. Could be from fear, their own grief, you are a burden, they don’t want negativity in their life. There’s so many reasons and responses but the most hurtful is when people cut you off when you need them the most.
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Death and dying, life and living.
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