By Julia Merritt, whose close friend died suddenly and unexpectedly
1. I was so unprepared
Up until my friend died, I had pretty much skipped through life, having not been particularly confronted with death. I had the, what I would call, ‘standard’ experiences of death and dying up until this point such as elderly people, grandparents and friends of friends, but nothing that was close. So when I experienced the shock of losing someone very close to me – in a very sudden way – it quite literally turned my life upside down. It made me look at my own life and how, in a heartbeat, everything could just go. It opened my eyes to wanting to live better, plan better and generally do things that mattered to me and my family.
2. No one says the ‘d’ word
Death is such a loaded word. Initially, when my friend died, I couldn’t bring myself to say the word as it felt so final, cruel and real; but over time, I have taken ownership of the word. It made me question why I felt I couldn’t say she ‘died’ or she is ‘dead’. I found that as a society we sanitise the act of dying and death with words like ‘passed’ or ‘passed away’ which I can understand is more gentle, however I do think the words ‘death’ and ‘died’ have fallen out of the vernacular and so it feels alien when it is used – much in the way death can feel hidden. Now, I actively try and use the words ‘death’, ‘dead’ and ‘dying’ in a positive way in order to try and ‘normalise’ the terms and to not be afraid of them.
3. Death can be the catalyst for change
In the days following her death, I tried to keep going as normal and working and I remember sitting in a meeting with a guy I barely knew and just bawling my eyes out. He was amazing and opened up about one of his best friends dying six years previously and how it made him feel. One of the key things he took from that situation was to make fundamental changes in his life – changes that he still stands by six years on. Death is the end of something but will always prompt the beginning of something new – a pivot, a change of direction and ultimately, something positive.
4. Positive things can come out of bad situation
Since she died, through talking, listening, searching and being kind to myself, I have made so many positive changes in my life. Channelling my energy and experience of death into something positive that helps other people has been a turning point for me and a vocation that I want to pursue. Realising how short life can be has made me more grateful and appreciative of the little things. It has made me prioritise myself and my family a lot more and I feel over all, out of this loss, I’ve become a better person.
5. How talking about death is enlightening
Rather than not mention her – I talk about my friend all the time. It has taken me time to be able to do this, but it feels right and I encourage my children to talk about her and bring her into the conversation. It might be that we hear a particular song that reminds us of her, or we remember going to a particular place where we remember a funny story. For me, it’s a way of keeping her memory alive and appreciating the friendship we had.
About Julia Merritt
Julia is a wife and mum to two girls. She works as a freelance marketeer working in both the charity and corporate sector. She’s passionate about breaking down barriers around talking about death and dying. She’s currently working on a series of podcasts called ‘Talking Life and Death’ where she invites friends and family to share their stories of death, dying and bereavement.
You can follow Julia on Twitter.
