By Alice Darby, whose dad died unexpectedly in 2019
We lost our wonderful father after surgery for cancer treatment, on 13th September 2019. He was the biggest character with the strongest, kindest and most generous soul in our world.
The shock and sudden loss is the hardest thing. We miss him every day, now we’re just trying to continue to make him proud.
1. Nothing can prepare you
Whether you have warning or not, there is no ‘training manual’ for how to deal with the death of a loved one. We lost my dad the no warning way. One moment he was here, the next he was not. I sway between which way would have been ‘easier’ and ultimately, either way results in loss and any situation is hard.
2. The death of a loved one means partial death of those still living
When myself, my three siblings and all our close family and friends lost our dad - my mum’s best friend and husband of almost 40 years, together for 46 - we lost a part of ourselves, too. We sent a part of our heart with him which will mean we will never get it back, we have all changed. However, we do know that we keep a part of my dad in us as well. We learned from him, we gained so much for him, that we will continue for him with his strength and soul.
3. You become less afraid and positively more adventurous
After losing my dad I believed nothing worse could happen for me. It made me less afraid to do things that may have worried me before. Saying yes to new opportunities or taking risks. It has also increased the times I say ‘life’s too short’ to justify any decision making!
4. Laughing is okay but so is crying
For months after my dad’s passing, I was numb. I cried but didn’t feel it and felt like I would never laugh properly again. Over time, the crying comes, it feels real and painful but it’s good to show emotion. The laughing came, too. It’s what my dad would have wanted.
5. ‘It will never get easier, but you will learn to live with the grief’
One of the many things people tell you which, I’m hoping, is true. Those stereotypical sayings that you can’t bear to hear - become part of your life, and part of your vocabulary dealing out experience in the matter. Those around you are just trying their hardest to help, in a situation where there’s nothing to say. It’s ok to not want to listen at the start, everyone’s grief is different, but it’s also ok to begin to accept.
You can follow Alice on Instagram, @alicedarby.
