By Stacey Hartley, whose dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2016
1. How intense the grief is
The overwhelming grief never goes away. I think I cry almost every day. Be it full-blown heart-wrenching sobs, or just my eyes quietly filling up with tears. And it can happen anywhere and anytime. On the bus, on my way to work, I just have to think about you and the tears appear.
2. Feeling guilty
The guilt of feeling like I could and should have done more for you at the end. I crumbled and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I should have stood up and done more that last day in the hospital. I should have been braver and held your hand as you passed. But I never. I couldn’t bear to watch you take your last breath and know my world was about to come crashing down around me.
3. The anger
I try not to think about it. I feel guilty feeling angry. But if you had told us earlier you knew something was wrong things could have been so different. Even at the end you were masking what was really happening and not telling us the truth.
4. How much I’m like you
We always had the same sense of humour. Laughing hysterically together watching a pig roll down a hill on the telly. But only now you’re not here I realise how much of me is you. Not just my brown eyes. ‘When I’m at my best I’m my father’s daughter’.
5. How to be strong
I’ve never ever had to be as brave as I was when you died. But I had to be for my mum. I have ‘Stay Strong’ tattooed on my arm from your handwriting to remind me every day how strong you were, and as a reminder for myself. The worst thing in the world has happened to me so I know I can get through anything now.
About Stacey Hartley
”My name is Stacey. I lost my dad when I had just turned 30 and I was planning my wedding. He was diagnosed with advanced stage 4 bowel cancer in September 2016. He died on May 5th 2017, the day before his 64th birthday from sepsis. He never made my wedding. He was funny, kind and the best Dad anyone could ever ask for. I try to fundraise and raise awareness for bowel cancer as much as I can. I want to be his legacy.”
