By Nicky Seed, whose dad died in October 2019
1. Physical absence
One of the many hardest things to learn in death is the physical absence of the person you love. On the more manageable days your rational side will know that your loved one is still there, maybe not physically but they live on in the actions you take, the decisions you make, the things that still make you laugh and also within the new memories you make with your friends and family. You can involve them still by considering answers to questions such as, what would they have said? What would they have laughed at? What would they have done? The answers to these questions involve them still. Their physical presence may be gone but you’re not without them in your mind helping you to determine the way in which you chose to live your life.
2. Time
Everyone will tell you that ‘time is a healer’. I found this very hard to digest in the early days but have discovered that actually perhaps what people really mean is that time is your friend. Time without limitation, grants you an important tool, the ability to heal.
3. Regret
Regret is a wasted emotion. Protect your energy and do not begin questioning the relationship with your loved one. The things that you could have or should have done better. Think of the all of the amazing times that you shared and focus your energy on remembering the fondest of memories and your happiest days and time. Regret will not change them living or dying and in their new world, they will only be thinking and seeing all of the happiness, the love, and the bond you created.
4. Accept kindness
In the initial weeks be kind to yourself and take the kindness that others offer. Don’t feel the need to be that bubbly friendly person who organises things and is the go–to person in so many social situations. Allow yourself to make a plan if you want to but cancel if it becomes too much. If you need a day for tears and sadness and have a shorter fuse than others that’s allowed. In time people may forget innocently that you are still grieving and suffering and if someone buys you a gift, grabs you some shopping, takes the kids off your hand for an afternoon’s peace then take it. You don’t owe them - you need them. Accept the candles, cards, photographs, text messages – this cannot last forever as time moves on, but those really close friends won’t forget and will be with you for the long haul. Don’t feel guilty for indulging in some tender loving care whilst it’s there to be received.
5. Can you live without them?
You can live without your loved one. I think everyone in grief will ask that question when it’s someone they love so much. There will be times when you question if you want to live in this new world without them and it’s at those hardest points when you have to think to yourself – what would they want from me, how would they want me to move on in this world and keep them involved in the new normal. I had an unbreakable bond with my dad. I feel lonely on my saddest days that our special magic cannot go on in my life. I realise that actually it can. I am the lucky one who has received the love of a special person who gave me the foundations to experience, enjoy and live my life to the fullest.
About Nicky Seed
”I was so lucky to experience the best father a daughter can have. Everything you could ask for in a father was granted to me and I enjoyed every moment of such a remarkable and impressionable man. I feel lucky and proud to say he was my dad and I think he filled that role to so many people. On the many days of reflection I have, I actually think he was the person a lot of people wish they could have been.
Tom bravely opted for a major operation with the hope it would finally give him good health after such a difficult 5-year health battle. Things did not go to plan and following a long journey and battle in intensive care, Tom, 69, passed away in October 2019.”
You can follow Nicky on Instagram, @seedienoo.
