By Clare Proudfoot, whose brother was hit by a car as he was making his way home from a Christmas party in December 2013
1. When someone you love dies, you join the heartbreak club – a community of people who know the pain of losing someone. No one asks to join but everyone is there for the same reason. Chris’ death gave me a deeper sense of empathy. I feel more comfortable being with other people in the depths of their pain. I’m not scared of it. The truth is that no one is expecting you to say something that will make things better; all you can do is be there and not hide from it.
2. As well as having to face the magnitude of your own grief, you also have to face the grief of the other people who loved them. Witnessing the devastation my parents were feeling over losing their son, my sister’s grief for her brother and the prospect of my nephew, in the future, starting his own journey of grief for the loss of his dad was overwhelming and hard to face.
3. Chris was my big brother. I’ve only ever known life with him close by. We have a shared history. We are from the same soil and our identities are entwined together. That’s why when people ask whether I have brothers or sisters I can’t not mention him. Even if it feels like I’m dropping a small talk death bomb in the middle of a haircut. I can’t pretend he wasn’t there. He’s a part of me.
4. The most painful part of losing Chris is the sadness I feel that he doesn’t get to live the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him. He deserved so much more. He was destined for so much more. I struggle with this the most.
5. Chris’ death has given me a kind of ‘fuck it energy’. If I find myself in doubt or feeling nervous to take a leap into something new, I think of him and get a surge of energy that reminds me what’s scary and what isn’t. It’s like he’s saying ‘go on, you can do it.’ It gives me strength and propels me forwards.
About Clare Proudfoot (Waters)
”My brother Chris was 26 years old when a car hit him on his way home from a celebratory Christmas pub lunch with his work friends in December 2013. He died at the scene. At the time Chris’ little boy was two. Chris was quick-witted, brave and as generous as they come. At his funeral one of his friends described him as a salt of the earth kind of guy and this summed him up beautifully. We miss him terribly.”
You can follow Clare on Instagram.
