Hello, I’m Lorna. In July 2018 my mum Glenda died suddenly, aged 71. What started as a swollen tummy culminated in losing her a week later from ovarian cancer, a silent killer. My heart broke watching my darling mum suffer and feeling that there was nothing I could do to save her.
At the time, she was caring for my dad, Harry. He had heart failure and pulmonary fibrosis. They were such love birds, together 53 years. Dad died six months later. Losing both so close together has been the hardest most painful experience I have ever gone through. The process of grief has shocked me. I loved them so much as they were so joyous. I try and find the joy every day, but it isn’t always possible. Grief sucks, but there have been lessons, and so many of them. So here are the Five Things I have learned about grief.
1. The numbness does go. I didn’t think it would, but it does. Slowly it does. I was numb to everything when my mum died and I was just starting to feel a little like my old self when my dad died. After losing my mum, who I adored with all my heart, the life I knew changed beyond recognition, especially as my dear old dad needed so much care. My mum was my best friend and cheerleader in life, so funny and so joyous. The colour went from my life, and although the colour will always be muted, new colours have arrived from the most unexpected places.
2. I will never forget the kindness. The knowing looks, the hugs from the nurses after my dad died. I screamed ‘but I have just lost my mum’ after they told me Dad, who died in front of me, had also gone. ‘How can this be happening?’ I cried. In that moment, strangers took my hand, showed me what to do, hugged me tight and stroked my hair. The NHS nurses we so often moan about parented me in those moments. I will never forget them.
3. Grief really is like the sea. It’s a cliché, but it is. It comes in enormous waves and you feel like you are drowning at times. My mind honestly couldn’t cope with the enormity of what had happened. It’s OK. You are not going mad. You are grieving.
4. Clearing my mum and dad’s house was the hardest thing ever. The emotions, the memories, the mess, the tears, but I also learned that laughter and nostalgia play such a big part in grieving. I am grateful of that. Closing the door on their life there was agony, but it is a job that had to be done.
5. I am not myself right now, and that is OK. Everything feels harder, the little things that would have been water off a ducks back now upset me more than they ever did. I am learning that overwhelm is part of grief and getting help should not be sniffed at. If you are grieving, you are brave. I have learned I am brave, and so were they.
